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Flash Story

"What do you want?"

This was the second time he asked me that but I still had no tangible answer to give him. So I repeated the only thing I had told him.

"I don't know."

My head bent low, looking at my fingers. They seemed like the only interesting thing at that moment. I fought the urge to chew on them, it would only give me out as being nervous. So I stared on. My head still cast down. I refused to look up, to look into his eyes. They would give me away. The unshed tears in them stung and ready to spill. So I looked up and laughed. I wanted to mask the reason for my tears but I knew it was impossible. His eyes were all over me, keenly watching my every move. His eyes beckoned on me to look athim but I fought the plea. Looking at him would reveal my vulnerability, will bare out my emotions and I wasn't ready to break down.

I heard his deep sigh before he spoke.

"How could you say you don't know what you want, Sweet. You're an adult, you're matured."

He stretched his right hand across the table to touch my hand but I moved it before he could reach it. That action almost knocked off my glass of orange juice that I had refused to touch since I was served.

"Look Tee, " I finally found my voice.

"I don't know what I want. I may be twenty something but that does not mean I'm matured enough to delve into issues without taking my time."
I looked right at him and I saw a mixture of shock and anger in his eyes. But I wasn't dettered. I needed to make things clear between us.

"Tee, I'm a ball of confusion. I'm still trying to understand life, to find myself. And if I'm still yet to discover myself, I can't be who you need, what you want."

I wiped away with the back of my right hand the single tear that rolled down my left cheek. His eyes were fixed on me but I knew a lot was going on in his mind. I knew his philosophy of 'flowing with the tide'. I intend to do that when I find myself. Whether I needed to search deep within myself or reach out to find it in the world, I just knew I needed to shut the noise out. Only then I could focus.

I picked up my handbag from the floor beside me and got up to leave. This needed to be done. Sometimes in life we need to make sacrifices and this was my own sacrifice.

"Have a good life." I said before walking out the door. I didn't know if he answered but I knew his eyes never left me because I could feel them boring holes in my back.

#flashstories #maryamspages #sacrifice #storyfragment #ajourneyofselfdiscovery

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